Returning to work after creating a human

What to expect and how to make it easier

This week I’ll have been back at the helm of The Lowdown for three months. Given that the night before I went back to work, I lay awake Googling ‘how to make going back to work easier’ on my iPad, I thought I’d write the thing I wanted to read in January, whilst it’s fresh in my mind.

After having my first son Alexander in September, I chose to have 14 weeks completely out of my startup. No emails, no Slack. Just the occasional phone call with our Interim CEO Annie. 

The last three months back at work have been a scary, emotional but really rewarding experience. My brain has gradually clicked back into work gear, and I’ve successfully closed a fundraise. At times I’ve thought that I am a superwoman reincarnate, and at others I’ve missed my son so much it aches. 

Here’s some thoughts on what I experienced, and some ideas on how teams can support women coming back to work after creating a human. 

The anticipation is the worst part

As with many things in life, the thought and dread of the thing is normally much worse than the actual thing. I came back in the first week of January, and didn’t really enjoy Christmas as much as usual, as work thoughts had started to take hold. Looking after children is not a holiday, but it felt a bit like the end of a holiday; the last day can be a sad one. You’re less present and already thinking about the journey home. 

A warning to others that this period when you’re just about to go back to work can be a strange time. Most importantly, try and recognise if this is happening, and tell yourself ‘I’m just being tense, because I’ve started thinking about working again’. You may start doing strange or erratic things like obsessively organising frozen breastmilk or insisting to your partner that you need to book an expensive holiday.

Because of this, I would factor in these weeks before you go back as not like normal maternity leave. These are the ‘my maternity leave is about to end’ weeks. By the time I was logging into my laptop on the first morning, I had this overwhelming feeling of ‘just take the plaster off’. It was time. I was sick of thinking about it, and just wanted to do it. Starting work was a relief. I was ready.

Do a KIT day or meet up with your team socially before you start work

I met up with The Lowdown team for a wonderful Christmas team day and meal before I came back. This gave me time to practice being away from Alexander, and personally catch up with everyone about their lives and news, before we started to debrief on work.

Go for drinks or dinner, tell everyone you don’t want to talk about work, and catch up with your team as people. Especially if you work remotely, it helps you reconnect quicker and understand what headspace everyone is in. There is a risk this can make your anticipation anxiety worse of course, so play it by ear and do what feels best for you.

Breakfast with The Lowdown team (including Susan 🐕)

Set expectations in other areas of your life

I realised quite early on that in my first couple of months back, I could manage two things: 

1. Going to work; getting my brain back in gear and fundraising

2. Spending time with my son; and breastfeeding/pumping

Everything else in those first few months back, was not my priority. I didn’t go for dinner in the evenings with friends or overcommit to complicated social plans on the weekends, nor did I think I’d get a single piece of wedding planning or life admin done. For me this really helped. I just needed to take things slowly. Other parts of my life in Q1 were never going to win any awards, and that was perfect.

Be realistic about what chapter of your life or year you are in. Give your friends or people in your life a heads up. Stop pretending you’re in your 20’s and can go and drink three espresso martinis on Bermondsey street on a Thursday night and function the next day. 

Ramp up slowly whilst your brain reconnects

I took a sabbatical a few years ago, and knew from coming back to my corporate job that it can take me around 4-6 weeks to really get my brain back to full throttle, after an extended period of doing something else. 

I would say my return to work post maternity leave was similar. The first few weeks were almost like an outer body experience - you know that feeling you get when you come back from travel and your house, car and clothes look different? But gradually I warmed up and re-familiarised, and started to get my momentum back. 

For that reason I would try not to start with any big decisions. Give yourself ‘warm up’ tasks first, and keep telling yourself your brain will come back when you doubt your abilities. It was quite painful in parts. My advice is to try and be patient, it will come back, I promise. 

Get someone to check your emails whilst you’re off

Since announcing our seed fundraise, my emails have been a spam haven, filled with endless invitations to apply for ‘Inspiring Woman Leader of the Year’ awards. It’s chaos in there.

Although I had an out of office on, my maternity cover Annie checked my emails for me every fortnight whilst I was away in case anything critical came in - and deleted anything irrelevant, I came back to a pretty clear inbox. This saved me a lot of time.

If you trust your cover or someone in your team to do this for you, I’d highly recommend it. 

Set and communicate boundaries with your team

I was clear with my team that I had a 14 week old baby at home, and I needed to leave the office or log off at 5.30pm to do bedtime for a few hours. Whenever I miss this because meetings drag late or I’m faffing around in the office, I feel sad. 

Sticking to this is very hard in reality; being a working parent is a juggle, and of course I’m going to make a lot of sacrifices for both my company and my family. But I’m trying to notice which of those sacrifices hurt the most, and tailoring my boundaries and priorities accordingly. 

See also; whatever is right for you, is often what is right for the business. Don’t make yourself miserable and expect yourself to still be a high performer. This stuff eats away at you over time.  

Figure out your sleep strategy

One of the biggest questions when you go back to work is how much sleep you or your partner are going to be able to function on. Alexander didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 months old. For me, not sleeping was manageable when I was on maternity leave, but stressful I had to do paid work the next day. 

Thankfully my fiance Keiran used to be a management consultant, and has approached being a parent with the same veracity as a Deloitte transformation scheme.

After extensive testing and stakeholder engagement, he established that for us what works is sleeping in separate beds, and doing shifts. When you’re on shift, Alexander is in a cot or moses basket in your room and you are ‘on watch’ to feed/settle. The other one of us is in the other room, oblivious with an eye mask and ear plugs in. 

In the very early months, these were three hourly shifts because Alexander would wake and feed almost every 3 hours (9pm - 12pm / 12pm - 3am / 3am - 6am / 6am - 9am) As Alexander has got older and started waking less often, we split the night into 2 x 6 hour shifts. I would often be on call from 9pm - 3am as I’m the night owl, and then after he woke for a feed, carry Alexander into Keiran (the morning lark’s) room for the morning shift. This way, no matter how terrible the night, we know we’ll both get a stretch that helps us string a sentence together.

Other founders I’ve spoken with have paid for night nannies, or had their startup offer to pay for them. These are not cheap and cost around £140 per night depending on where you are based, but might be worth considering if you have a couple of big days of work ahead.

Watch out for strange hormonal blips 

Whilst I was just outside of the fourth trimester when I went back to work, my hormones have been lurking. My periods haven’t come back, but at various points over the last 12 weeks I’ve felt a sudden and quite strange urge to burst into tears. I don’t know whether it’s missing Alexander, a ghost of resurgent PMS haunting me, or postpartum hormones lingering around, but I’m definitely in a strange no man's land. 

A few friends have told me that her hormones went a bit erratic four months postpartum. Whilst I’ve felt so much happier since Alexander left my womb, I would have to agree. Also, my hair is falling out and resembles a strange straw-like texture. 

All I can say again is be kind. Be kind. Your body is still processing this. Remember, you are not expected to win any awards right now. 

If you’re breastfeeding, don’t give up too quickly 

Before I had a child, if someone had told me that a small human sucking on your breast is emotional, I would have no idea what they mean. But it turns out, after a bit of a bad wobble after spending a night away from my baby to see some friends one weekend, I messaged some mum friends, and they all said they felt noticeably sad the weeks after they stopped or cut down breastfeeding. Apparently when breastfeeding ends, our levels of both prolactin and oxytocin drop - which can affect our mood. When will the rollercoaster END?!

I knew immediately, given my not so straightforward journey with the pill and other hormones, that I needed to plan to taper breastfeeding down gradually. Breastfeeding and pumping at work deserves its own Substack, but for now just know that if you are breastfeeding, this mood change thing is a thing, and do some research if you’re worried about it. 

My final thought: It’s going to be ok

If you are struggling with returning to work, or dreading it, I wanted to reassure you that it will be ok. It will get easier. Like any new routine, it takes some adjustment, but you can and will adjust and as the weeks and months go by, things will change. 

You often have more control than you think, and asking for flexible working, working from home, or phased return can make a big difference. Be open with your team and partner, get support, and be kind to yourself. You’re doing really really well. 

Did anything help you ease back to work? Share your feedback in the comments to help others!